Found something to pass time, a little note made a long time ago as an April's Fools prank and and as the motherload of funny items ideas collection.
Read and be mesmerized:
"The Magic Items that TSR Forgot"
Tired of the same, old magic items that have been in the rulebooks for the past 13 years? Forthwith lies a compendium of late-night, beer-fueled humor, cleverly disguised as a list of new magical items. Drop one or two into your game for a few extra laughs.
Mace of Disruption
This item appears to be a normal mace +1 and is usable only by spell casters, but is laiden with a curse that does not become apparent until the possessor tries to cast a spell. At this point, the mace will loudly yell "Hey, you!" and will begin to spout off insults at the wielder so as to break up the caster's concentration and hence ruin the spell.
Wand of Blunder
This wand looks like the lower leg bone of a large dog and will radiate a strong dweomer of the Silly type if a detect magic spell is cast. Every use expends one charge and produces one of the following results: (roll d12)
1) Severs user's hand
2) Causes target to lose all body hair
3) Performs Create Water, over user's head
4) Creates massive stench, causing all party members to retch for one round (save vs. poison allowed)
5) Banner shoots out from end of wand, proclaiming "BANG!"
6) Target shrinks to 1/10 normal height
7) Target grows to 10 times normal size
8) Cool Wand disappears permanently (Hurrah!)
9) Gates in either a cockroach (50%) or a mouse (50%)
10) Conjures a lightbulb, which appears over user's head, accompanied by the "ding" of a bell 11) Launches 100 moldy bagels at target
12) Destroys entire multiverse. Game over.
Potion of Surrealness
The imbiber of this potion will quickly lose all interest in what others perceive as "reality". He/she will instead ponder such questions as "Why don't orcs come with blue and purple bathroom fixtures?"
Clotheshamper of Endless Laundry
This large container will always have a plentiful supply of raiment available. Unfortunately, it will always be dirty, smelly, of the wrong color, and it won't quite fit the person who wants it.
Libram of Literacy
By reading this complex book cover to cover, one who is currently illiterate will learn how to read.
Gauntlet of Eternal Masturbation
Strongly resembles a beneficial magical item such as Gauntlets of Ogre Power or Gauntlets of Dexterity. Once this gauntlet is put on, it can only be removed by a Remove Curse or Wish spell.
Prophylactic of Protection
Prevents pregnancies (90%) and confers upon its wearer 90% immunity to sexually-transmitted diseases.
Sword, Nerf
Are you the non-violent type? Do you want to set an example that's OK for the kids to try at home? Or are you just tired of stabbing yourself? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, this is the weapon for you. Note that this sword is usable by Priests as it is not a slashing or piercing weapon.
Ion Stones
These spherical magical items come in two types; one is marked with "-" glyphs; the other bears some number of "+" sigils. The exact number of markings indicates the strength of the Ion. Stones of opposite types attract until they form a group of Stones with an equal number of "+" and "-" runes. Ion stones are customarily found in such groups.
Mall of the Titans
This enclosed shop-o-rama has everything one could possibly imagine, including lots of Big-and-Tall Men's shops.
Potion of Bowel Control
Cures imbiber of any intestinal disorders and/or incontinence (forget those adult undergarments!). Roughly 1 in 10 of these potions are cursed to cause permanent loss of control.
Staff, Administrative
This staff will claim to be able to do just about anything, but in reality works too slowly and too poorly to do much of anything. These Staves come in different sizes -- the bigger, the worse. The staff will always grow when requested to do something.
Cloak of Obesity
This bulky garment makes the wearer look as much as 50 pounds heavier than he/she actually is. If used in conjunction with a disguise proficiency, it increases the chance of success by 30%.
Horn of Frogs
When this odd, green horn is blown, 10d10 frogs fly from the orifice. Their trajectory will spread them out in a 60-degree arc with a 60' radius. Any creatures caught within this area of effect are assumed to collide with 1d10 frogs (1 point of damage each). Movement is reduced to 1/4 normal and all affected creatures must make a saving throw vs dragon breath at +4 or be knocked over.
Rug of Slobbering
These rugs are normally indistinguishable from ordinary carpets, but radiate a strong magical dweomer. When a Rung of Slobbering is unfurled and tossed at a target, it will envelop the victim and slobber rabidly for 1d4+2 rounds, after which it will fall limply to the ground. Note that the victim and all of his/her possessions will be completely water-logged.
Crystal Ball, Disco
Disco Balls are silver multifaceted spheres, usually 2 feet in diameter. Once per day, on command, the Ball will levitate up to 30' in the air and will rotate slowly, casting a special Dancing Lights spell. One in 10 of these items have the further capability of casting Otto's Irresistable Dance at the 13th level of magic use.
Dust of Dirtiness
This magical powder, when spread over an object, will cause the surface to becme dirty. Each small pouch can cover an area of 10 square feet.
Cloak of Promiscuity
This cloak appears to be a fairly good-looking piece of clothing. When donned, it becomes transparent to all individuals except the person wearing it.
Bag of Vomit
This item appears to be an ordinary, non-descript satchel. When it is opened and inverted, however, it vomits uncontrollably for 1 round. There is always a faint but odd odor to this item.
Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag
Not to be confused with a Bag of Vomit, Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag is always full of regurgitated food and vile stomach juices. If emptied by any amount, it will refill itself the next day. This item is rumored to be an orifice of an extra-planar creature who perpetually drinks too much alcohol.
Cloak of Misplacement
For nearly all intents and purposes, this is an ordinary piece of clothing. Anytime a wearer removes it, there is a 30% chance that it will spontaneously disappear.
Ring, Token
Creatures who wear this powerful ring gain the ability to communicate with each other via a message-passing protocol. Comes in 4 Mbps and 16 Mbps varieties.
Shell of Process Control
With this power device (utility, actually), a wielder gains complete control over all processes, including rights to change their state, resource allocation, and priority. There might be dangerous side effects, though, as the Shell uses the Bind Socket spell to coerce the appropriate Daemons to do the user's bidding. Specifically, there is a 10% chance per shell command that the daemon will escape the bindings and KILL-9 the user or create 2d4 zombie processes and send them at the user.
Gem of Worthlessness
This appears to be a valuable stone such as a diamond, emerald, or ruby, but is actually just cut glass.
Sword +1, +4 vs Masonry
This weapon was created to destroy masonry. When within 60' of any stones, bricks, mortar, concrete, or rocks, the sword will pulse angrily. For each 100 pounds of such materials, there is a cumulative 10% chance that the weapon will dominate the user and force him/her to attack all masonry in sight until it is reduced to rubble.
Potion of PMS
This potion causes its imbiber to be subject to violent mood shifts for d4+1 days. These mood shifts can occur as frequently as the player or DM desire, but a general rule is every four to six hours.
Potion of Gaseous Farts
Causes unsurpressible flatulence for d6+4 rounds.
Horn of Three Tons
When blown, this horn causes one ton each of shrubbery, cats, and cream pies to rain down upon the user. It is rummored that different horns summon forth different combinations.
Loincloth of Strangluation
Works like the Necklace of Strangulation, but affects a different region of the body.
Manual of Goyim
The title should explain it all. If you don't understand it already, just forget it.
Manual of Painful Exercise
After reading this lengthy book and dutifully performing all the exercises described therein for 30 days, the reader will permanently lose 2 points of Dexterity due to bruised ligaments.
Lenses of Protection
You wouldn't hit a person with glasses, would you?
Wand of Masturbation
[CENSORED]
Sword +1, +5 v. Wielder
This maleficent weapon has a secret desire to destroy any creature who possesses it. On an unmodified attack roll of 1, 2, or 3, the weapon strikes the wielder for maximum damage.
Whip of Self-Flagellation
This whip appears to be an ordinary flogging device until actually picked up, at which point the holder is cursed into becoming a masochist.
Dagger of Whining
This miserable little blade is never happy. Whether sheathed or drawn, it will always find something to complain about, such as "Put me back Q it's cold out!", "Awww, now I'm all bloody!", and "I've been dropped, and no one's picking me up!"
Trident of Dish Command
Make those plates do your bidding! This weapon can control either 4d8 normal plates/bowls/cups or 2d8 pots/pans/cookie sheets.
Gauntlets of Groping
They seem to have a mind of their own...
Nolzur's Marvelous Mushrooms
Each 'shroom has enough psychedelic energy for a really wild trip. These fungi are typically found in small colonies of 4d4 mushrooms.
Hammer of Dunderdolts
This powerful warhammer always functions as a +0.001 weapon. Whenever an attack roll of an unmodified 20 is rolled, the hammer will fly forth with a deafening "DUUUHHHHH!!" and will strike the target for normal damage plus triple the magical bonus. The victim's Intelligence will be reduced by 5 points or one-half, whichever is lower.
Gauntlets of Ogre Brains
Immediately lowers (raises?) the wearer's Intelligence and Wisdom to those of an average ogre -- namely, 6 in each. Also modifies the user's posture and manners to those common to ogres.
Read and be mesmerized:
"The Magic Items that TSR Forgot"
Tired of the same, old magic items that have been in the rulebooks for the past 13 years? Forthwith lies a compendium of late-night, beer-fueled humor, cleverly disguised as a list of new magical items. Drop one or two into your game for a few extra laughs.
Mace of Disruption
This item appears to be a normal mace +1 and is usable only by spell casters, but is laiden with a curse that does not become apparent until the possessor tries to cast a spell. At this point, the mace will loudly yell "Hey, you!" and will begin to spout off insults at the wielder so as to break up the caster's concentration and hence ruin the spell.
Wand of Blunder
This wand looks like the lower leg bone of a large dog and will radiate a strong dweomer of the Silly type if a detect magic spell is cast. Every use expends one charge and produces one of the following results: (roll d12)
1) Severs user's hand
2) Causes target to lose all body hair
3) Performs Create Water, over user's head
4) Creates massive stench, causing all party members to retch for one round (save vs. poison allowed)
5) Banner shoots out from end of wand, proclaiming "BANG!"
6) Target shrinks to 1/10 normal height
7) Target grows to 10 times normal size
8) Cool Wand disappears permanently (Hurrah!)
9) Gates in either a cockroach (50%) or a mouse (50%)
10) Conjures a lightbulb, which appears over user's head, accompanied by the "ding" of a bell 11) Launches 100 moldy bagels at target
12) Destroys entire multiverse. Game over.
Potion of Surrealness
The imbiber of this potion will quickly lose all interest in what others perceive as "reality". He/she will instead ponder such questions as "Why don't orcs come with blue and purple bathroom fixtures?"
Clotheshamper of Endless Laundry
This large container will always have a plentiful supply of raiment available. Unfortunately, it will always be dirty, smelly, of the wrong color, and it won't quite fit the person who wants it.
Libram of Literacy
By reading this complex book cover to cover, one who is currently illiterate will learn how to read.
Gauntlet of Eternal Masturbation
Strongly resembles a beneficial magical item such as Gauntlets of Ogre Power or Gauntlets of Dexterity. Once this gauntlet is put on, it can only be removed by a Remove Curse or Wish spell.
Prophylactic of Protection
Prevents pregnancies (90%) and confers upon its wearer 90% immunity to sexually-transmitted diseases.
Sword, Nerf
Are you the non-violent type? Do you want to set an example that's OK for the kids to try at home? Or are you just tired of stabbing yourself? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, this is the weapon for you. Note that this sword is usable by Priests as it is not a slashing or piercing weapon.
Ion Stones
These spherical magical items come in two types; one is marked with "-" glyphs; the other bears some number of "+" sigils. The exact number of markings indicates the strength of the Ion. Stones of opposite types attract until they form a group of Stones with an equal number of "+" and "-" runes. Ion stones are customarily found in such groups.
Mall of the Titans
This enclosed shop-o-rama has everything one could possibly imagine, including lots of Big-and-Tall Men's shops.
Potion of Bowel Control
Cures imbiber of any intestinal disorders and/or incontinence (forget those adult undergarments!). Roughly 1 in 10 of these potions are cursed to cause permanent loss of control.
Staff, Administrative
This staff will claim to be able to do just about anything, but in reality works too slowly and too poorly to do much of anything. These Staves come in different sizes -- the bigger, the worse. The staff will always grow when requested to do something.
Cloak of Obesity
This bulky garment makes the wearer look as much as 50 pounds heavier than he/she actually is. If used in conjunction with a disguise proficiency, it increases the chance of success by 30%.
Horn of Frogs
When this odd, green horn is blown, 10d10 frogs fly from the orifice. Their trajectory will spread them out in a 60-degree arc with a 60' radius. Any creatures caught within this area of effect are assumed to collide with 1d10 frogs (1 point of damage each). Movement is reduced to 1/4 normal and all affected creatures must make a saving throw vs dragon breath at +4 or be knocked over.
Rug of Slobbering
These rugs are normally indistinguishable from ordinary carpets, but radiate a strong magical dweomer. When a Rung of Slobbering is unfurled and tossed at a target, it will envelop the victim and slobber rabidly for 1d4+2 rounds, after which it will fall limply to the ground. Note that the victim and all of his/her possessions will be completely water-logged.
Crystal Ball, Disco
Disco Balls are silver multifaceted spheres, usually 2 feet in diameter. Once per day, on command, the Ball will levitate up to 30' in the air and will rotate slowly, casting a special Dancing Lights spell. One in 10 of these items have the further capability of casting Otto's Irresistable Dance at the 13th level of magic use.
Dust of Dirtiness
This magical powder, when spread over an object, will cause the surface to becme dirty. Each small pouch can cover an area of 10 square feet.
Cloak of Promiscuity
This cloak appears to be a fairly good-looking piece of clothing. When donned, it becomes transparent to all individuals except the person wearing it.
Bag of Vomit
This item appears to be an ordinary, non-descript satchel. When it is opened and inverted, however, it vomits uncontrollably for 1 round. There is always a faint but odd odor to this item.
Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag
Not to be confused with a Bag of Vomit, Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag is always full of regurgitated food and vile stomach juices. If emptied by any amount, it will refill itself the next day. This item is rumored to be an orifice of an extra-planar creature who perpetually drinks too much alcohol.
Cloak of Misplacement
For nearly all intents and purposes, this is an ordinary piece of clothing. Anytime a wearer removes it, there is a 30% chance that it will spontaneously disappear.
Ring, Token
Creatures who wear this powerful ring gain the ability to communicate with each other via a message-passing protocol. Comes in 4 Mbps and 16 Mbps varieties.
Shell of Process Control
With this power device (utility, actually), a wielder gains complete control over all processes, including rights to change their state, resource allocation, and priority. There might be dangerous side effects, though, as the Shell uses the Bind Socket spell to coerce the appropriate Daemons to do the user's bidding. Specifically, there is a 10% chance per shell command that the daemon will escape the bindings and KILL-9 the user or create 2d4 zombie processes and send them at the user.
Gem of Worthlessness
This appears to be a valuable stone such as a diamond, emerald, or ruby, but is actually just cut glass.
Sword +1, +4 vs Masonry
This weapon was created to destroy masonry. When within 60' of any stones, bricks, mortar, concrete, or rocks, the sword will pulse angrily. For each 100 pounds of such materials, there is a cumulative 10% chance that the weapon will dominate the user and force him/her to attack all masonry in sight until it is reduced to rubble.
Potion of PMS
This potion causes its imbiber to be subject to violent mood shifts for d4+1 days. These mood shifts can occur as frequently as the player or DM desire, but a general rule is every four to six hours.
Potion of Gaseous Farts
Causes unsurpressible flatulence for d6+4 rounds.
Horn of Three Tons
When blown, this horn causes one ton each of shrubbery, cats, and cream pies to rain down upon the user. It is rummored that different horns summon forth different combinations.
Loincloth of Strangluation
Works like the Necklace of Strangulation, but affects a different region of the body.
Manual of Goyim
The title should explain it all. If you don't understand it already, just forget it.
Manual of Painful Exercise
After reading this lengthy book and dutifully performing all the exercises described therein for 30 days, the reader will permanently lose 2 points of Dexterity due to bruised ligaments.
Lenses of Protection
You wouldn't hit a person with glasses, would you?
Wand of Masturbation
[CENSORED]
Sword +1, +5 v. Wielder
This maleficent weapon has a secret desire to destroy any creature who possesses it. On an unmodified attack roll of 1, 2, or 3, the weapon strikes the wielder for maximum damage.
Whip of Self-Flagellation
This whip appears to be an ordinary flogging device until actually picked up, at which point the holder is cursed into becoming a masochist.
Dagger of Whining
This miserable little blade is never happy. Whether sheathed or drawn, it will always find something to complain about, such as "Put me back Q it's cold out!", "Awww, now I'm all bloody!", and "I've been dropped, and no one's picking me up!"
Trident of Dish Command
Make those plates do your bidding! This weapon can control either 4d8 normal plates/bowls/cups or 2d8 pots/pans/cookie sheets.
Gauntlets of Groping
They seem to have a mind of their own...
Nolzur's Marvelous Mushrooms
Each 'shroom has enough psychedelic energy for a really wild trip. These fungi are typically found in small colonies of 4d4 mushrooms.
Hammer of Dunderdolts
This powerful warhammer always functions as a +0.001 weapon. Whenever an attack roll of an unmodified 20 is rolled, the hammer will fly forth with a deafening "DUUUHHHHH!!" and will strike the target for normal damage plus triple the magical bonus. The victim's Intelligence will be reduced by 5 points or one-half, whichever is lower.
Gauntlets of Ogre Brains
Immediately lowers (raises?) the wearer's Intelligence and Wisdom to those of an average ogre -- namely, 6 in each. Also modifies the user's posture and manners to those common to ogres.
